On My Own
by Ms.WrightingFantasy
Summary: Songfic. Remus looks back on his friendship with Sirius Black. Slightly Angsty. Friend!fic. Song belongs to The Used. Title Belongs to The Used. Characters belong to J.K. Rowling.


Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and The Used owns the song used and the title of this piece. The song is called On My Own.

Title: On My Own

Warnings: Kind of angsty. I'm not a fan of SB/RL, I'm a Snupin fan, but you can see a bit of hinting at SB/RL if you _**REALLY**_ look for it, but I didn't really consider this a slash fic. Just a friend one, but you're welcome to let your imagination run wild if you'd like.

A/N - Enjoy the fic. :)

The word in Italics are the actual copy and pasted lyrics.

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I was frightened at the thought of coming to Hogwarts. Dumbledore had assured me that there would be a special place I could go because of my...condition. It wasn't just that though. I could handle turning into a monster if I knew there was a place I could go and no one could get hurt. What bothered me the most was that even at age eleven I knew that there was no way anyone close to me could live a normal life.

Images of being scorned by everyone had played constantly in my head. I couldn't blame anyone that didn't want to be around me. Honestly, if I had never been bit and one of my children had tried to bring home a werewolf I probably would have reacted just the same as any of the other people who berated and hated me without really knowing who I was. Who the child with the wide tearful eyes really was. The broken heart under all the wild fur.

In a way I understood life in a way that no one else ever could. I understood what it was like to be hated. Hated without truly understanding why. What eleven year old can truly understand what it is to be hated? I wish I could say that no one could ever truly understand it at such a young age, but society can be cruel.

And society doesn't always shelter a delicate heart.

_See all those people on the ground, wasting time_

_Try to hold it all inside, but just for tonight_

_Top of the world, sitting here wishing_

_The things I've become_

_That something is missing_

_Maybe I..._

_But what do I know?_

Then I literally ran into you, or you into me to be absolutely truthful. We hadn't even boarded the train and you had already caused a ruckus. I remember how your dark eyes grew wide when we landed on the ground together in a ungraceful lump. The perfect example of a fearful youth that was sure he was going to be caught. The look didn't fit on your features at all. You were used to getting away with most of you pranks. You had to be clever to get away with things in your house as I soon found out.

You jumped off the ground, pulling me as you went. We ended up hiding in a compartment near the back of the train together. The angry shrieks of you cousin still ring in my memories. Looking back now I'm surprised you didn't end up in Slytherin. You were clever, ambitious for your own dreams. Maybe you were supposed to be in Slytherin but you were too stubborn to actually go. That deffinatly sounds like you. You were also brave and noble, so I can understand why you ended up in Gryffindor. I'm glad that you did. I'd hate to have been separated from my very first friend.

Friend.

I'll never forget that. The way you shook my hand. The naive and angelic smile that so often graced you features through our school years. I was so hopeful that you'd be the person I'd confide in. We'd tell each other secrets. And we'd keep each other out of trouble. You'd be the first person that I ever actually told. And you wouldn't hate me. You'd accept me because you were my friend.

My friend.

_And now it seems that I have found, nothing at all_

_Wanna hear your voice out loud, slow it down, slow it down_

_Without it all, I'm choking on nothing_

_It's clear in my head, I'm screaming for something_

_Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all_

Those first few weeks together were the favorite time in my life. It was the happiest and most hopeful I'd ever felt. Even when I had to go off during the full moon, I was hopeful because I knew you were going to be there when I got back. My friend would be waiting, and I would tell you why I had been looking so anxious the past week and why I had disappeared during the night. You would understand because you were my friend.

But I had lost my courage when I had finally found you. My bravery. The reason I was a lion left me when I needed it most. I could have cried. It had been to easy to get you to believe that I just had the flu. You had just ignored it and started on some story about how you couldn't stand your family and how you had an amazing prank for you cousin again.

I was heartbroken. Even standing there with you with your perfect smile and hopeful eyes I realized something.

I was,_  
On my own  
_  
I knew at that moment I would always be,_  
On my own_Forever,_  
On my own  
_  
Even though I didn't want to be,_  
On my own_  
I know I started to pull away from you. Segregate myself. Sure I still sat with you. I still helped you with your pranks, but I think you saw through everything.

And then we met James and Peter. James and you seemed like a match made in heaven. Your personalities just seemed to go together so well. It didn't take long till I realized I had been replaced. That smile that used to be reserved for me was turned toward someone else. Someone less complicated. Someone who wasn't filthy with my disease. And I couldn't blame you. I know I hadn't told you about my disease but I had been so sure that you could sense it.

I had known hate before, and I could tell you didn't hate me. This feeling was different. Indifference. I had never had someone be indifferent towards me. You didn't seem to mind if I was around, but at the same time you were perfectly fine when I was gone.

But I wasn't.

I missed my friend.  
Then during second year when you all finally did find out about my disease I had expected to be shunned. You don't know how surprised I had been when you all seemed to accept me even more than before. I still remember the look in you eye when you found out.

_Without it all, I'm choking on nothing_

_It's clear in my head, I'm screaming for something_

_Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all_

You seemed almost relieved that I had a reason for why I had been so distant. You opened up more than you had ever opened up to me before. You told me things that I hadn't ever imagined. The rules at your house. The traditions. What happened to you when you were caught breaking the rules and traditions. The scars on your back.

I thought I was the only one with scars. The only one that new the harsh reality of the world at such a young age.

James seemed jealous at how close we got after that, but he never said anything to me about it. I heard you two arguing many times through out our years together. One of the perks of my disease? I guess. He never acted like he held anything against me when he was around me. On the contrary, he seemed to be even more of a friend than you were at times, but no one could ever replace you.

And when you all finally received your animagus, I had been so delighted that you had gotten the form of a dog. It just seemed so symbolic. My friend. No matter what age, size, or form.

I had hope again. That smile that had been for James was suddenly mine again.

And I believed that I would never again be,_  
On my own_I would never have to face the world,_  
On my own  
_  
Never again,_  
On my own  
_  
You'd be with me. Hand in mine. Not,_  
On my own  
_

I know I was foolish. I know I had no idea that I couldn't save you from your fate. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I cried. Years pass and I can't help but realize that I didn't know the world as well as I thought I did. Looking back now I realize that in the end I couldn't escape my fate either. James murdered. Peter, a traitor, dead. You lost in some inescapable world of nothing.

Even with my new wife and my son it's just not the same. I hold him in my arms as I gaze out a window dreaming about a time I'll never relive. Imagining faces I'll never get to see. A smile that once belonged to me. You were what I was always looking for as a child. What I continued to look for for the entirety of my life when you were taken away to that dark prison. I was always trapped by my disease and you were my freedom. You were always trapped by the darkness of your family, of their past, of a world I'll never really understand, and what did I ever do to help you? What did I ever do to deserve you? My friend.

I know that I'll never escape the prison of my life. No matter how far I run. No matter who I'm around.

In a room full of people I'm on my own.

In a life I never wanted I'm on my own.

A friend I'll never get to see.

My friend...

I'm on my own...

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A/N - Alright...I believe this is my first song fic that I've posted. I think I wrote 2 or 3 more but they never got posted...I believe. So! Tell me what you thought of it please. I love my readers, and I love when you guys give me con crit. :) My main concerns are 1. Did it flow well? 2. Could you understand the context? Because I normally try to stay away from first person, but I just didn't feel like it came across right in third person.

Sincerely,


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